 57
Days to
swimsuit season!
Countdown To Getting Naked(ish)
Round
about the first truly warm spring day, when you’re forced
to strip off your boxy winter sweater and try to wedge yourself
back into last year’s bare tees and lightweight cotton
pants, you have no choice but to face facts.
That Halloween candy you scarfed from your kid’s trick-or-treat
bag has joined forces with Thanksgiving stuffing and holiday
eggnogs and Valentine’s Day truffles and chocolate Easter
bunnies to expand your waistline. You can no longer deny it
by squinting at the scale or draping your bulges in black cashmere.
You’ve put on weight over the winter, and now it’s
time to take it back off.
Come on, you’ve done this before. And you’ve got
time. A little time, anyway. If you start now, yes right this
very minute, you’ll be svelte again by shorts-and-swimsuit
season. There’s even a little wiggle (jiggle?) room built
in for the occasional slip up.
Here, your countdown to taking it all off by the time you need
to take it all off:
DAY 1 – Clear shelves and fridge of all winter-y fattening
foods: cheese, pasta, ham, cream, chocolate chip cookies, homemade
apple crumble. Yes, even the crumble. Stock up on spring-and-diet-appropriate
supplies such as salad greens, seafood, and fresh fruit. Ponder
how thin you’re going to be once you eat all that healthy
new food.
DAY 3 – Crazed with hunger, you tiptoe downstairs after
everyone’s asleep and consume half a pound of candied
ginger and a gob of peanut butter the size of your cat’s
head. The next morning, get on the scale and find you’ve
gained four pounds.
DAY 5 – Six hours of spinning class, three hours in the
sauna, and two days of ingesting little but lettuce and water
whittles three pounds from your frame. Congratulations: Now
you’re up only one!
DAY 9 – Head to friend’s dinner party, where you
swear you’re not going to drink at all and will avoid all
appetizers and dessert. Well, maybe you’ll have just one
glass of wine and some raw veggies. Okay, a martini and a sliver
of brie. By the end of the evening, you’re polishing off
the Drambuie and licking the cheesecake pan.
DAY 13 – A hot day inspires the tulips to bloom and reminds
you that bathing-suit season is fast approaching but you haven’t
really lost any weight. Make new vows, buy new diet books, redouble
your efforts.
DAY 21 – Modified South Beach is really working! Grilled
meat and greens are your friends, potatoes and bread are your
enemy. The weight is falling off you.
DAY 28 – Your two-week extreme period is over, and you’re
down eight whole pounds! Celebrate by buying hot new sundress
in size you haven’t worn since the last Clinton administration!
DAY 29 – The first day you’re allowed to add carbs
back into your diet, you end up eating toast AND cereal for breakfast,
a sub sandwich, hold the filling, for lunch, and moving on to
pasta AND garlic bread for dinner. Can no longer pull new dress
up over hips.
DAY 33 – Does Weight Watchers have a SWAT team? Might those
ads that promise to make you lose weight while you sleep really
work? If you took a little speed or started smoking again, it
wouldn’t really hurt you, would it? Would it?
DAY 33 -- This is ridiculous. Your health is more important than
being thin! Your happiness counts for more than your weight!
Studies prove that no matter how much you diet and exercise,
your body inevitably returns to a set shape and size anyway.
The smartest thing you could possibly do would be to get comfortable
with how you look right now.
DAY 34 – Break out the margaritas! Open another bag of
chips. And while you’re at it, it’s pretty warm this
evening:
Let’s go for ice cream after dinner. Making peace with
your weight definitely has its rewards.
DAYS 35-56 – As the days grow longer and hotter, relax
into your newfound body confidence (and your husband’s
oversized shirts). Avoid scales and mirrors, spend your days
digging in the garden and playing with the kids, and figure that
when beach season really hits, you’ll trade in your bikini
for one of those suits with the little skirts and call it vintage
chic.
DAY 57 – The day dawns bright and hot. You no longer have
a choice: You have to wear your old summer shorts and tanks or
go out and buy new bigger ones. Holding your breath, you decide
to give your old clothes one more chance before throwing them
out. Feel amazed when your shorts button. And zip. When your
bare arms look pretty darn toned. Afraid to believe your eyes,
you step on the scale. And find you lost all the winter weight
without even trying.
How to get your husband in shape
Eight techniques that work
1. VOLUNTEER TO TAKE OVER ALL THE COOKING, and cut the fat and calorie counts of every recipe. He’ll be so grateful to come home to a hot meal prepared by you every night, he’ll never notice the difference.
2. REWARD HIM WITH SEX. One naughty act for every pound lost ought to do it.
3. WITHHOLD SEX. Bedroom penalties for pounds gained can also provide effective motivation.
4. DOUBLE THE CONTRACTORS’ ESTIMATES for all pending yard work and spring repair jobs, so he’ll be moved to handle the work himself.
5. BUY HIM SOME WORKOUT GADGETS. Men love gadgets: new handweights, a heart monitor, boxing gloves, and a punching bag.
6. SPILL BLEACH ON HIS FAVORITE PANTS. The ones he’s convinced make him look so hot. When he tries to replace them, he might be shocked into action by his new larger size.
7. ASK HIM TO HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT. If he’s a nice, generous guy, he’ll get on board by joining you in your dieting efforts.
8. CHALLENGE HIM TO A WEIGHT LOSS CONTEST. If he’s more of a competitive type, challenging him to a dieting month with the winner getting five bucks a pound from the person who loses less. Remember: You’re supposed to let him win!
1000 – OKAY, 19 –
WAYS TO BE A SLIGHTLY
BETTER WOMAN
I have a new book
coming out in April called 1000 Ways To Be A Slightly Better Woman. Slightly
is the operative word in that title: I’m not claiming to tell women how to look
like Angelina Jolie and cook like Martha Stewart. Rather, I’m offering tips
on h
 ow
you might get out of volunteering to run the school bake sale, when you should
refrain from apologizing, what you can get away with yada yadaing, and why you
don’t need to feel guilty about being a bitch. The book’s subtitle is: How To
Be Thinner, Richer, Sexier, Cleaner, Kinder, Saner and Happier Enough. This is
the sort of low-key advice I’m well-qualified to give, being highly experienced
in avoiding confrontation, hiding five extra pounds, and making people think
I’m working a lot harder than I really am. To
find out seven ways to feel sexier in five minutes or nine
ways to feel richer than you really are, you’re going
to have to buy the whole book.
But to whet your appetite, here are 19 choice pieces of advice
gleaned from all 1000 ways:
1. Eat the potatoes, but skip the butter.
2. Cut all the sizes out of your clothes.
3. When the alternative is a cigarette, eating a piece of chocolate
may be the healthiest thing you can do.
4. To jumpstart your self-confidence, set a manageable short-term
goal—to run a mile, to read one of the classic books—and
make sure you meet it.
5. Don’t even think about sleeping with your boss, your
next door neighbor, your best friend’s ex or your ex’s
brother.
6. One good reason to be happy you’re married: You can
be pretty sure he’s not gay, crazy, or married to someone
else.
7. When you can see that even if you were Scarlett Johansson,
and you were naked, and you were telling him you thought he
was the most fascinating man in the world, he wouldn’t
be in the mood to listen, it’s probably best to just
shut up.
8. To make your man feel like a fabulous lover, whisper that
you’d love to take him into the bathroom for a quickie—and
then pray he doesn’t take you up on it.
9. Better than sex: Feeling the baby finally nod off in your
arms.
10. Before you pack for a trip, lay out clothes on your bed,
to make sure that you have everything you need, that everything
matches, that you’re not duplicating.
11. For hair that’s smooth without being flat, use conditioner
first, then shampoo.
12. Always tidy up the biggest thing in the room first: clear
the dining room table, make the bed, straighten the slipcover
on the sofa.
13. Use visual images to remember things —you might
think of a cup of coffee to remember the name Joe, for example— and
make them bold, vivid, colorful and
positive. A big, red, steaming,
delicious cup of coffee!
14. Ask coworkers, lunch dates, or people you meet at parties
to fill you in on news stories they’ve been following – it’s
a conversation starter, and you’ll learn a lot in the
process.
15. If a task seems permanently stuck on your to-do list, you
may need to look at deeper reasons why you never tackle it
or find alternate solutions: hire someone, enlist the help
or advice of a friend, or decide you simply don’t want
to do it!
16. Take notes whenever you’re talking on the phone at
work, even if you’re chatting to your best friend about
her date last night.
17. If you’re giving a speech, don’t worry about
memorizing it—no one knows what you plan to say so you
don’t have to follow any script. Instead, write key words
and phrases on index cards.
18. Put a dollar in a jar every day and at the end of the month
pledge it to your favorite PBS station or food pantry.
19. Drink your water out of a crystal goblet and use the real
silver even when you’re only eating hot dogs.
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