The Best and Worst

From porch swings to rained-out vacations, hunky lifeguards
to bored kids, here’s everything to love and hate about summer.

THE 20 BEST
1. A sundress, a thong, and flip-flops, and you’re ready for any occasion.
2. Smoothies for breakfast, popsicles for lunch, and frozen margaritas for dinner.
3. Sitting in the dark with the other grownups while the kids chase fireflies.
4. Sleeping naked as a light breeze drifts through the screened windows.
5. Music, wine, and dancing under the stars.
6. Planting your chair at the waterline, and your feet in the surf.
7. Catching up with all your neighbors without having to throw a party.
8. Throwing a party without having to squeeze all those people into your house.
9. Running an ice cube across your forehead on a sweltering afternoon.
10. Rediscovering the summer joys of childhood: leaping off the high dive, running through the sprinkler, biking to the ice cream shop.
11. Outdoor showers.
12. Eating all the summer food that’s delicious and healthy: corn on the cob, fresh-off-the-vine tomatoes, juicy watermelon.
13. Eating all the summer food that’s just plain delicious: grilled hot dogs, Italian ices, toasted marshmallows.
14. Picking a gorgeous bouquet right in your own backyard.
15. Exercise that’s more fun than anything you can do in a gym: sailing, kayaking, hiking, swimming, tennis.
16. Evenings that are almost as long as workdays.
17. Naked housework.
18. Having no choice but to indulge in the silly movies.
19. Pretending that your longtime spouse is your hot summer love.
20. Yellow roses, tan legs, and a big fat golden moon.

THE 20 worst
1. Having to shave and wax just to run out to Whole Foods.
2. Being forced to put all those body parts
you can keep safely hidden away in winter—toes, thighs, tummy—out on full display.
3. The perfect beach day—when it’s Wednesday and you’re stuck in the office.
4. Nights when it’s too hot to do anything. Yes, even that.
5. Ants on your counters, aphids on your roses, and mosquitoes on your ankles
6. That gorgeous beige linen suit turning into a sweaty wrinkled mess by the time you get out of the car.
7. Sunny days that cloud over the minute you reach the beach.
8. Sitting in the office all summer, only to have it rain the week you finally get away.
9. Discovering that pricey vacation rental is a filthy shack.
10. When it seems like the kids have been out of school forever...and they’re never goin’ back.
11. Beach traffic, jellyfish, and the big loud family that plants their blanket right next to yours.
12. Hearing the words: “Mom, I’m bo-o-o-ored.”
13. That photo that shoots to hell every ounce of confidence you’ve been able to muster about how you look in a bathing suit.
14. All your pleasant routines—mom’s group, book club, after-yoga cappuccino—falling apart as everyone leaves on vacation.
15. Corn in your teeth, sand in your swimsuit, bugs in your beer.
16. Beach house envy, country club envy, bikini bod envy.
17. Every great TV show in reruns.
18. Feeling guilty if you’re not outside having fun every second.
19. Being too old to attract even a glance from the hot lifeguards.
20. Trying to work on the beach like they do in all those idyllic ads—and getting sand in your computer.

Mom’s Secret Diary:
The blow-by-blow of the glorious, but awful week the kids go to camp.


Saturday, 10 am Drop off the kids at camp and run into the woods so they won’t see me cry. Consider hiding there for the next week to spy on them and make sure they’re okay. Write first letter as we drive away. Next summer will definitely apply for job at camp. Don’t know how I’ll make it through next lonely seven days.

Saturday, noon Husband persuades me to stop for lunch at the kind of chic country restaurant we could never take the kids to. Spend first half of meal weeping into my napkin, second half polishing off bottle of wine and dancing on the table.
Saturday, 3 pm Pull off road to deserted beach and, on spur of moment, go skinny dipping. Haven’t done this for more than a decade! Feel 19 again! End up having quickie in backseat of car.

Saturday night – Sunday afternoon Instead of driving home, stop for night at posh adults-only inn. Get smashed, have all-night-long sex, sleep till noon. When husband wonders how kids are doing, I ask, “What kids?”
Monday morning Vowed to do all those things there is never time to do when kids are around: Make plans to start web business, clean and reorganize closets, read great books. Instead, this morning, sleep till 10 and then lie in air-conditioned bedroom watching The View.

Monday evening Giddy with the novelty of freedom, order in Thai food, which kids hate, watch PBS, which they also hate, and have sex on the living room floor. Thrilled to be able to talk uninterrupted with husband about adult subjects. By 8 pm, however, find yourselves wondering what the kids are doing now.

Tuesday Should be making headway on Big Projects, but instead shop for care package for kids. Also, by line three of theoretically cheery, loving, interesting letter to kids, run out of things to say.

Wednesday Meet husband in city with vague plans for dinner at some cool restaurant followed by
music at the kind of groovy club we never have time to hunt down. But all the restaurants are packed and too pricey, none of the clubs open till 11 pm, so end up just driving back to Jersey and eating at the diner.

Thursday morning The house feels lonely. Wander into the kids’ rooms. While fetching Wii controller from under bed, burst into tears. Later, a letter from camp: “Dear Mom and Dad, Please come get me right now.”

Thursday afternoon to Thursday evening I want to rush to the camp, but husband persuades me to calm down and call head counselor. Head counselor reassures me that kids are fine. Spend afternoon working on family photo albums and evening with husband watching DVDs of kids’ births and baby years.

Friday Entire week has rushed by. Out of time to do anything more productive, meet girlfriends for lunch, meet husband for impromptu tennis game, end up sharing a bowl of popcorn for dinner by candlelight in the backyard. Totally by accident, have had the ultimate child-free day and evening.

Saturday At camp, barely recognize children. They’ve grown three inches! Seem years more mature! Drive away from camp anticipating the Best Drive Home Ever, but within five minutes they’re squabbling. Oh, well. Only 51 weeks until they’re back at camp.

Tanners vs. Non-Tanners:

Some of the most vicious battles are fought not between men and women, nor between Democrats and Republicans, or city dwellers and country folk. No, the really important differences are between those who tan and those who militantly
do not. What's the nature of the great divide? We listened in to a recent debate between Tania, a tanner, and Pat, a paleface.

TANIA: Mmmm, God, look at that gorgeous sun. The perfect day to throw off my clothes, oil down my skin, and bake in the rays.
PAT: Eeeeeek! You can't actually be thinking of lying out there in the sun and getting a tan, can you? Haven't you heard that sun is terrible for your skin?
TANIA: Everybody gets wrinkles eventually anyway. And in the meantime my skin will look bronze, glowing, much better than it does when it's ghostly white.
PAT: Pale skin is fashionable again. Big straw hats and flowing pastel linens accentuate the romantic look.
TANIA: It's 2008, not 1880! Whites, brights, metallics; shorts, bikinis, tanks, minis—everything looks better with a tan.
PAT: Oh, yes. Skin cancer is very attractive.
TANIA: For your information, Ms. Pure, today’s little turn in the sun is mostly for fun: I do all my serious bronzing indoors.
PAT: But studies show that tanning beds and UV tanning can also put you at risk for skin cancer.
TANIA: Who said anything about tanning beds? The new thing is spray-on tans and tanning lotions.
PAT: And you think orange skin is more attractive? Plus those chemicals can’t be good for your body.
TANIA: Actually, the FDA says that DHA, which is the major ingredient in the best new products, is perfectly safe. And spray-ons and lotions don’t make you orange anymore. They look completely natural.
PAT: The time! The money! The mess!
TANIA: True, but sunscreen, beach umbrellas, and tent-like clothing cost money too. And at least being tan makes you look thinner.
PAT: Wait a minute: Being tan makes you look thinner?
TANIA: Of course! It hides the cellulite too.
PAT: OK, I’m sold. Where do I sign up?
Pamela Redmond Satran’s most recent book is 1000 Ways To Be A Slightly Better Woman (Stewart, Tabori & Chang). Her website is www.pamelaredmondsatran.com.