Do you know what that sound is, women of New Jersey? That’s the alarm clock ringing. It’s signaling the end of summer, the start of school, the return to regimented life.
I know you’ve learned to love sleeping in, lazing by the pool, eating Popsicles for dinner. But just as your kids are strapping on their backpacks and powering up their smart calculators, you too need to get back
We’re here to help. Welcome to the School for Wayward Housewives. Our curriculum includes:
The first lesson in the SFWH lineup may be the most challenging. Among the topics we’ll cover are:
How to reset the snooze alarm so you don’t fall back to sleep.
How to wake your kids without waking the neighbors.
When to leave the house to maximize prep time and still make it before the first bell.
How to break your Daily Show habit so you can drag yourself out of bed again tomorrow.
You may be relieved to retire sleeveless mini-dresses and Lycra swimsuits in favor of more forgiving jeans and sweaters, but nobody’s feet are happy to be squeezed back into shoes. In this class we’ll deal with such basics as:
Why you can’t wear flip-flops to the office.
Which shoes best approximate barefoot.
When to graduate from sneakers to high heels (without falling on your a**).
COOKING and EATING INDOORS:
A refresher courseon food preparation and cleanup is easy when mealsare centered on barbecued burgers, sliced watermelon, and paper plates. But now you need to relearn the techniques of indoor eating and cooking, grappling with such burning issues as:
Where did all these dishes come from, anyway?
What the heck am I supposed to put in their lunchboxes?
Is there a new way on earth to cook chicken (again)? (Short answer: No.)
WHOSE HOMEWORK IS IT, ANYWAY?
One of the best things about summer is the freedom from homework, not just for kids, but for moms, too. But now, it’s back. How do you get it all done so the teacher won’t be mad at you? This course includes:
How to tell the difference between a diorama and a denominator.
When you can write the book report without really reading the book.
Why you have to help your kids with their homework when your mother never helped you.
BONUS! Basic brown-nosing skills.
THE LONG DARK NIGHT
Hanging out in the backyard with a frozen margarita was an easy enough way to pass a long summer evening, but now that dark descends by dinnertime, it’s a whole new challenge to make it through the night. The School for Wayward Housewives offers such skills as:
How to mix fall cocktails that are every bit as yummy as the summer versions (but will still allow you to wake up before 7 am).
What’s worth watching in the new TV season (after you finish their homework, of course).
How to make it until Christmas vacation (without going out of your mind).
Are you crazy about your dog…or just crazy?
Sure, you love your mutt…but how much puppy love is too much? Is your dog your best friend…or something disturbingly more? Take this simple quiz to find out whether you’re crazy about your dog…or just crazy.
You love your dog more than:
A. your goldfish.
B. your friends.
C. your husband and kids.
What do you feed your dog?
A. The best dog food you can afford.
B. Burger, served in a specially monogrammed dish.
C. Filet mignon, which I feed him using a silver fork.
D. It depends on what restaurant the two of us are going to that night.
Top reason you like owning a dog:
A. Gives you someone to play catch with.
B. Gives you someone to talk to.
C. Gives you someone to sleep with.
D. Gives you someone to leave all your money to.
Wait, wait, wait—back to that “sleep with” part. When you say you sleep with your dog, what do you mean?
A. You sleep in the same room, the dog in his bed, you in yours.
B. The dog sleeps at the foot of your bed.
C. The dog sleeps in your bed, under the covers, his head on one pillow, yours on the other.
D. Yes, okay, it means what everybody thinks it means!
Okay! So, when do you think being crazy about your dog crosses the line into craziness?
A. Carrying your dog with you everywhere you go, like Paris Hilton—that’s crazy.
B. Dressing your dog in a raincoat and rubber booties when it’s wet outside—that’s crazy.
C. Marrying your dog like that guy in India did—that’s crazy.
D. Crazy? Preferring people to dogs, that’s crazy.
If you answered mostly A’s, you’re just a run-of-the-mill dog lover. Not any more crazy than the rest of us.
If you answered mostly B’s, you’re one of those people who talk about your dog at parties and create a Facebook page for him. Kinda crazy.
If you answered mostly C’s, I hate to tell you, but your house reeks of dog and you stopped noticing last Halloween. Yeah, you’re pretty much out of your mind.
If you answered mostly D’s, what’s your location, exactly? Because we’re sending some men in little white coats to pick you up.