As the weather gets hotter and the days get longer, most of us feel a twinge of that familiar excitement that used to hit as the school year drew to a close. Soon we’d be free! No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s…
Well, you get the idea. Trouble is, too often these days, the warmer months mean more of the same, except with air-conditioning and kids underfoot.
Want to get back in touch with loving the season and feeling like a kid again yourself? Here are some ideas:
LET THE BIRDS WAKE YOU UP. It’s the one time of year when you may be as eager to greet the day as our feathered friends.
RUN BAREFOOT THROUGH THE GRASS. And don’t check between your toes for ticks for at least 20 minutes.
WEAR SHORTS EVEN WHEN THE TEMPERATURE’S STILL IN THE 50s. If anyone questions your skimpy attire, protest, “It’s gonna be hot today!”
PLAY HOOKY. Be sure to use your mental-health day for something fun: no closet-cleaning or mulching allowed.
PICK A BOUQUET OF DANDELIONS. This time, proudly present them to your child instead of your mom.
MUNCH ON ICE FOR LUNCH. Bonus: Zero calories!
CAVORT IN A SPRINKLER. Or, if you’re feeling lazy, recline in a wading pool.
AT ROUGHLY 3 O’CLOCK EVERY AFTERNOON, STOP WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING, PROP YOUR CHIN ON YOUR HAND, AND STARE OPEN-MOUTHED THROUGH THE WINDOW. Yes, that cloud floating by does look like a horsey!
RIDE YOUR BIKE NO-HANDS. Come on, bet you still know how.
READ SOMETHING YOU’D BE EMBARRASSED TO SUGGEST TO YOUR BOOK GROUP. Celebrity tell-all, sexy thriller, graphic novel—the trashier the better.
EAT GRILLED HOT DOGS FOR DINNER. Other acceptable choices: grilled hamburgers, corn on the cob, watermelon, Italian ice.
WRITE YOUR NAME IN THE DARK WITH A SPARKLER. When it fizzles out before you finish, try again.
RIDE A FERRIS WHEEL. Or a roller coaster. Or even just a merry-go-round.
CATCH FIREFLIES. Wish, for just one irrational second, that you could keep them all as pets.
SLEEP WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN, COVERS THROWN OFF, FAN BLOWING FULL-BLAST ON YOUR BODY. It’s green! And it’s fun.
Are you a Real Housewife of New Jersey?
The Real Housewives of NJ
So you think you’re a real New Jersey housewife, just because you’re female, you live in a house in New Jersey, and the last time you checked, you were made of flesh and blood?
Well, the women who redefined the term are back, giving us a new standard to
measure ourselves against. How real a New Jersey housewife are you? Take this simple quiz and find out:
1. When my house gets dirty, I:
A. clean it
B. knock it down and build a new one
2. My marriage got a lot better when I bought myself:
A. smaller nightgowns
B. bigger breasts
3. While waiting for our appetizers
to arrive, I usually suggest to my
companion that we:
A. enjoy a drink
B. enjoy a quickie
4. I feel my 7-year-old is ready for:
A. a two-wheel bike
B. international superstardom
5. I like inviting my best girlfriends
over for:
A. coffee and gossip
B. champagne and plastic surgery
6. I would never leave the house
without:
A. my purse
B. full makeup, hair extensions, a designer outfit, Louboutins, and a cute little gun
7. If a dinner party doesn’t go my way, I usually:
A. yawn loudly and talk about how early I have to get up in the morning
B. turn the table over on top of my guests
8. Before I was a Real Housewife,
I was:
A. a corporate lawyer
B. the cocktail-slinging moll of a drug dealer. (Instead, I’m going to go with corporate lawyer.)
KEY
If you answered mostly A’s
You may look like your average, everyday New Jersey housewife, but sorry, you’re just not real. Tune into the show for tips on how to perk up your wardrobe, your body, your marriage, your family, and your home, or we’re just going to have to insist you move to…we don’t know, Ohio or Wisconsin, somewhere the real housewives mop their own floors and wear sensible shoes.
If you answered mostly B’s, Congratulations! You’re a real housewife of New Jersey! Keep up those botox injections and don’t let any messy housework chip your manicure, and someday soon, you may have a reality show of your own.
