The holiday I approach with real fear in my heart is not Christmas (though that’s a lot more work) or New Year’s (though that carries more psychic weight) but Valentine’s Day, when I must once again whip up the juices of romance.
It’s not that I don’t love my husband—I do. It’s not that we find it impossible to be romantic at other times of year. We love to sneak away for a weekend at our favorite inn in May, enjoy a picnic for two at the lake in July, walk hand in hand through Greenwich Village in October.
But Valentine’s Day seems to set the hearts-and-flowers bar a bit too high for a couple who’ve been married for over two decades, who’ve raised three children together, who’ve seen each other through innumerable stomach bugs and family meltdowns and scary screaming fights.
Who’ve also seen each other through enough truly transcendentally loving and intimate moments to make dinner at an overcrowded restaurant seem a little insignificant by comparison. And as for buying each other Valentine’s Day gifts—well, we’re out of inspiration not to mention money after the inevitable Christmas extravaganza.
Yet off-loading Valentine’s Day completely seems a bit toxic. What’s next? Twin beds? Separate vacations?
Obviously, a middle ground needs to be found, a way to celebrate your love without pretending to be romance-crazed teenagers. Some ideas:
Mark the occasion on a different day. A big part of the problem with Valentine’s Day is that it’s a one-day, high-pressure deal. Fiddle with the date by, say, heading out for dinner the night before or after (when restaurants will be relatively quiet), or even turning it into a weekend-long event.
DON’T GO OUT. The biggest romantic treat of all might be a sexy stay-cation, free of chores, computers, cooking, and kids (send them to Grandma’s or a friend’s). Eat Chinese takeout in bed, pop a bottle of champagne without worrying about designated drivers, model that new thong, blast your music as loudly as you want.
GIVE OF YOURSELF. Forget the chocolates, the lingerie, the jewelry (oh, okay, one little diamond might be okay). The best gift on Valentine’s Day might be yourself. Vow not to fight for an entire month. Promise to start every morning and end every night with a kiss. Surprise him with new massage skills.
RECONNECT WITH OLD LOVERS. Each other, we mean. Go back to the beginning of your relationship, literally, by visiting the place where you had your first date. Make a card or a scrapbook detailing how you fell in love. Write your mate a letter in which you set down your best early memories.
Marital therapists often ask couples to talk about the beginning of the relationship as a way of reawakening the purer love that is the foundation for a long-term
commitment. Nice idea.
HOW TO HAVE THE HAPPIEST NEW YEAR EVER
Most of us swear to start the new year off right, to be healthier, saner, happier this year than ever before. But what do you really need to do to increase your happiness in the year ahead? To find out, I consulted Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, a new book published by HarperCollins.
Rubin spent a year test-driving happiness theories, and details her experiences and conclusions in the book and on her blog, happiness-project.com, which also runs on Slate and the Huffington Post. Here, Rubin’s ideas for starting your year in the happiest possible way:
GIVE UP A RESOLUTION. While Rubin is a big believer in resolutions—more on that later—she says that making resolutions we never fulfill can block us from finding true happiness. Resolving (and failing) to lose twenty pounds year after year can keep you from following your passion for cooking, for example, or building a wardrobe you love in the size 14 you are instead of the size 6 you want to be.
“Letting go of an unrealistic resolution,” says Rubin, “might make it easier to keep other resolutions that might succeed and ultimately make you happier.”
MAKE ONLY UPBEAT RESOLUTIONS. Rather than starting the new year burdened with negativity—no more sweets, get to the gym by 6 am—try making resolutions designed to create more pleasure in your life. Resolve to invite friends over once a week, for instance, or to launch a group to read humor books. Keeping a resolution that puts more fun in your life, says Rubin, just might make it easier to make yourself go to the gym.
MAKE YOUR BODY HAPPIER. Too often, according to Rubin, we relate happiness only to what we think, feel, experience on an emotional and intellectual level. But it’s important to make your body happier, too. Specific ideas: get enough sleep, get outside when it’s sunny, buy some cozy boots to keep your toes as happy as the rest of you.
HAVE FUN. As we get older, we may have to consciously build more fun into our lives. What creates fun? Learning something new, from salsa dancing to salsa making. Scheduling time for hobbies or a tennis game with a friend. Creating happy memories—and preserving them so they live on throughout the year.
ACT THE WAY YOU WISH YOU FELT. What if it’s January 2 and you are no happier than you were December 31? Maybe it’s too soon for any changes in your attitude to have kicked in, but acting as if things were better can in fact make them better, says Rubin. “If you’re feeling annoyed, act loving. If you’re feeling tired, act energetic. If you’re feeling shy, act friendly,” she says. “It really works.”
YOU FEEL ANNOYED, ANGRY, GUILTY. In with the good means out with the bad. As soon as possible in the new year, says Rubin, clear the decks of all the little things that have been weighing on your mind. Her specific suggestions: Make that appointment to get a skin cancer check, call your grandmother, replace a light bulb, clean a closet, answer a difficult e-mail, stop nagging.
JUST CONNECT. If you make only one resolution guaranteed to make this year happier, it should be to connect more with other people. Show up at the neighborhood potluck. Make plans to go to the theater with a friend. Join a knitting group at your local yarn store. Help an elderly neighbor clear her driveway. “Philosophers and scientists agree,” says Rubin, “close relationships with other people are perhaps THE key to a happy life.”
